I’m so going to be a student!

So yeah,

I went on a campus tour at Burroughs College, and it was totally dope.  I went to the admissions office, and there was this guy in a Carroll College t-shirt who called himself Dr. Pepper, and he was so cool because he was dressed so ironically.  We began outside the Administration building, and it was totally cool.  Dr. Pepper told me that in the 60′s it was occupied by hippies and on humid nights it still stinks like the Paris commune!  Next, we went to Maxi Hall.  He showed me some rooms, and told me that some day I could have a pad in Maxi.  There were people in their rooms reading Sartre and books on Magick!  Dr. Pepper even pulled me aside and let me have a big glass of really exotic liquor.  It was called Floo r poli sh and it came from Monsanto, which is a city in Italy.  Dr. Pepper explained that it was the really expensive stuff.  You can tell that because it has a label on it that says “Peligro: Tóxico!” which is italian for “special batch.”

I felt a little woosy after that, so we went to the science building.  It was really cool until we went to see the cow insemination labratory and I got my arm stuck in a hands-on exhibit.  All that mooing and giggling made me naucious, so I ran out of the room.  Dr. Pepper found me horking up my quinoa and lentil souflle in Dr. Utility Room’s Labritory.  I begged Dr. Pepper for forgiveness, but he said that Dr. Room wouldn’t mind.  Once I finished bleeding out my nose and ears, we went to the Falcone Quadrangle.  It was totally wavy gravy because it was like Harvard Square, but without those snooty college students.  There was a group of beatnicks playing hacky-sack, so I decided to join in, because Dr. Pepper had to sit down for a while, because he had to ponder the wonder of an adult soda called Smithwicks.  As we were kicking the hacky sack around, I looked up, and MacKenzie was there.  He was so excited that he accidentally kicked it too hard, and I found myself with a sack speeding toward my face.  It’s macromaed exteroir struck the end of my nose with enough force to make me fall down.  When I came too, I was bleeding out my ears again.  Dr. Pepper didn’t have a chance to show me the dining hall, because he had to go euthanize a shaved rat.  I told him that I thought animal cruelty was wrong, but he explained to me that he was going to put it out of it’s misery in the only humane way imaginable.  He was going to have Mr. Fudgey D. Whale break up it’s marriage and then sit on it until it died on the inside.  I thought that was cool, so I showed myself to the Woods Outdoor Pavillion and had a cone of Tofruity.  Dude, the WOP was so cool, because I could yell as loud as I wanted to inside and nobody told me to be quiet.  The only rule was that we had to wipe up after ourselves, because nobody likes a greasy wop.  I’m going to come back in a few days and meet more people from the admissions office, so I’ll keep you updated on my voyage of smart.


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