Jail Blows

Three Little MaidsSo yeah,

I was on my way to Chairman Moo’s Granola-torium and Soy-Milk Dispensery and I only had enough for a dried lentil and chickpea salad with chunky tofu non-dairy linseed-oil based topping, and not enough money for anything else.  So I got to the subway turnstile, and I didn’t have my subway card, because MacKenie used it to clean the cat’s infected anus.  So I thought, public transportation shoud be free for free-thinkers.  I’m a free-thinker because nobody pays me to think… yet!  I jumped the turnstile in front of some cops, and I totally thought I could get away with it, because I am more smarter than they were.  One of them grabbed me and I screamed “don’t commit your hate crime here, facist!” and he tazered me.  I peed myself a little bit and dropped my hemp bag.  Dude, it’s a big bag, not a purse.  Okay, I took it from my ex-girlfriend so that’s why it has some lipstick and a diaphragm in it, but it’s totally not a purse.  It’s an urban tote by Liz Claybourne.

Yeah, I regained consciousness in a holding cell in Brooklyn with this big guy named Molly.  He made me sing “My Galliant Crew, Good Morning” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinnafore.  I had to dance and sing it until I cried. Eventually one of the cops came over and took me out of the cell and made me dance and sing selections from the Mikado in the middle of the precinct.  Dude, I totally nailed Three Little Maids, but I pranced so hard, I almost went Nanki Poo in my unisex overalls.  After that, they booked me, by paddling me with an autographed copy of Paul Reiser’s book, Couplehood.  Then they took my fingerprints and photographed me in compromising positions.  Then they took some mugshots.

I totally know what it is like to be a political prisoner now, just like Nelson Mandella, Ghandi and Betty Ford.  I was kept there for my radical beliefs about free transportation for free spirits.  After I finished my cake and ice cream, they released me into the cruel world, but I emerged a free man… even if I wasn’t filled to the brim with girlish glee.


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