Archive for December, 2008

Marry X-mas

So yeah,

I totally spent x-mas with my relatives in the Ozarks and it was totally dope.  I don’t get to talk to that part of the family because they do not subject themselves to society’s norms of telephone access or hygiene.  My cousin Orville took me out to see how real people live in real America.  We spent the day before xmas finding a tree to cut down and decorate.  When we found the most perfect pine tree I had ever seen, we tried to saw it down.  Orville doesn’t have a chainsaw, so we took turns with the hacksaw.  It was cool, because the five hours we put into slicing this mighty timber down just made this pine tree’s maple syrup taste even sweeter.  So yeah, since my cousins are not burdened by worldly possessions, they don’t have “xmas ornaments” in the traditional sense.  We went down to the junkyard across the street to recycle what decadent people put in the trash next to disposable diapers and issues of Us Weekly.  Soon, I found plenty of shiny syringes and cat-food tin lids to adorn our feisty bush.  All that was missing was a star for the top of the tree.  As I pondered this, I saw something shiny glint in the distance.  It was the hood ornament sparkling on the hood of a 1973 Yugo!  I totally had to gank that, so I climbed atop a pile of Datsuns and Subaru’s to grasp this pinnacle of perfection.  As I was trying to position myself, I grabbed the Yugo’s shift lever and the car started rolling forward.  I panicked and I crawled in through the window.  The car just kept going faster and faster as it slid down the pile of foreign cars until I hit the bottom.  An old roof from a tornado-demolished mobile home acted like a ramp, launching the Yugo straight into Cousin Orville’s living room.  When the car came to rest between the wood stove and the little shrine they built to Dale Earnhardt.  When I opened the door, I knocked over one of the candles in the shrine, and it ignited the ultra-flammable children’s sleepwear that had been used to create the backdrop for the shrine.  The ensuing fire melted all of the lenolyum off the floor and melted all of their velvet paintings of Jesus.  I told them it was not my fault, because the car was an evil tool of capitalism and since it’s gears were greased with the blood of the workers, it was the manager’s fault for mistreating the wage slaves.  Orville’s older brother Gus hit me with a board with a nail in it until I lost consciousness.  I later woke up at a bus station in Bentonville, Arkansas.  I didn’t have any shoes but I did have a sack full of those cat food tin lids with me.  I’m glad it wasn’t a hood ornament from a Fiat, because Fiats are made by Italian Fascists.  It was a happy holiday after all!

Peace!

P.S.  Does anyone have a couch I can crash on for New Years?

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I’m so going to be a student!

So yeah,

I went on a campus tour at Burroughs College, and it was totally dope.  I went to the admissions office, and there was this guy in a Carroll College t-shirt who called himself Dr. Pepper, and he was so cool because he was dressed so ironically.  We began outside the Administration building, and it was totally cool.  Dr. Pepper told me that in the 60′s it was occupied by hippies and on humid nights it still stinks like the Paris commune!  Next, we went to Maxi Hall.  He showed me some rooms, and told me that some day I could have a pad in Maxi.  There were people in their rooms reading Sartre and books on Magick!  Dr. Pepper even pulled me aside and let me have a big glass of really exotic liquor.  It was called Floo r poli sh and it came from Monsanto, which is a city in Italy.  Dr. Pepper explained that it was the really expensive stuff.  You can tell that because it has a label on it that says “Peligro: Tóxico!” which is italian for “special batch.”

I felt a little woosy after that, so we went to the science building.  It was really cool until we went to see the cow insemination labratory and I got my arm stuck in a hands-on exhibit.  All that mooing and giggling made me naucious, so I ran out of the room.  Dr. Pepper found me horking up my quinoa and lentil souflle in Dr. Utility Room’s Labritory.  I begged Dr. Pepper for forgiveness, but he said that Dr. Room wouldn’t mind.  Once I finished bleeding out my nose and ears, we went to the Falcone Quadrangle.  It was totally wavy gravy because it was like Harvard Square, but without those snooty college students.  There was a group of beatnicks playing hacky-sack, so I decided to join in, because Dr. Pepper had to sit down for a while, because he had to ponder the wonder of an adult soda called Smithwicks.  As we were kicking the hacky sack around, I looked up, and MacKenzie was there.  He was so excited that he accidentally kicked it too hard, and I found myself with a sack speeding toward my face.  It’s macromaed exteroir struck the end of my nose with enough force to make me fall down.  When I came too, I was bleeding out my ears again.  Dr. Pepper didn’t have a chance to show me the dining hall, because he had to go euthanize a shaved rat.  I told him that I thought animal cruelty was wrong, but he explained to me that he was going to put it out of it’s misery in the only humane way imaginable.  He was going to have Mr. Fudgey D. Whale break up it’s marriage and then sit on it until it died on the inside.  I thought that was cool, so I showed myself to the Woods Outdoor Pavillion and had a cone of Tofruity.  Dude, the WOP was so cool, because I could yell as loud as I wanted to inside and nobody told me to be quiet.  The only rule was that we had to wipe up after ourselves, because nobody likes a greasy wop.  I’m going to come back in a few days and meet more people from the admissions office, so I’ll keep you updated on my voyage of smart.

Peace!

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