Archive for February, 2008

Night in the hospital

So yeah, I had to go to the hospital last night.  My girlfriend and I like to experiment when we get it on, so we usually get stoned and then we do some kinky stuff with some toys.  Well, while we were playing last night, she went into the bathroom and smoked a bunch of PCP, and then she tied me to the bed and started slapping me.  She really started acting weird, so I told her to slow down.  She then put a bungee cord around my neck and grabbed my Darth Vader Pez dispenser and plunged it into my anus.  It was kinda alright until she twisted it too far and the head came off and became lodged in my rectum.  The sharp pieces lacerated my, well, you know and I started bleeding real bad.  The pain was so intense that I passed out.  Later, after she came down, she called an ambulance and they took me to the free clinic.

The doctor says I should keep foreign objects out of it, but who is he to dictate what goes into my anal aperture.  Dude, he was totally a fascist.  He said that my girlfriend should get drug treatment and shit, and I said fuck that noise.   Now I’m not allowed to poo for a week, so I have to drink Dr. Pepper and not sit on anything for at least five days or at least until the leakage stops.  so yea, I’m going to use the time to work on my novel.


I’m totally about tupperware

So yeah, my girlfriend’s psycho-hose beast mom left Tupperware at my girlfriend’s loft.  She wanted it back, but I’m totally using one of the bowels as a stash box.  It keeps my bud fresh and keeps my girlfriend’s chinchilla out.  So yeah, Mackenzie and I are making a bong out of the big tupperware container, I think it has jelldo in it or something, but we’re going to wait until my girlfriend cleans it.  Seriously, her mom just doesn’t get it.  We only eat wholesome foods like Moby.  Dude, Moby totally turned us on to tea, we drink tea every day.  And not that lepton shit, we drink tea that came from India, not that shit that comes from Florida.


Yogurt Nook is run by fascists.

So yeah, I’m trying to get a job, but the fascists at Yogurt Nook totally turned me down. I can’t belive it, I’ve been to India, where I ate real yogurt, not this american shit. Dude, real yogurt has chickpeas, lentils, and raisins in it. This stuff totally had sugar and rainbow sprinkles and fruit in it. They’re total posers. When they told me I wasn’t “right for the job” I just grabbed my carhartt jacket and put my new sketchers to the pavement.


Dude, things better go better when I apply at Cinnabun.


Dudes keep harshin’ my deal

Hey man,

I’m just a slacker in search of hip friends and kind bud.  I moved to new york city so I could be sophisticated n’ shit, but the man just keeps me down.  You know how it is, I totally had a job at the local Starbucks, but they want me to wash dishes n’ shit.  I am a barista, an artist who’s medium is coffee and coffee-flavored beverages.  I’m not just some dude who cleans shit up, it’s like making dillon tune pianos, or sort cue cards and stuff.

So yeah, I  stood up to jeff, my manager who is such a dick.  I told him that I’m about makin the frappichinos and not about cleaning up the cups and shit that the customers leave.  I told him I am not a wage slave.  Then he took my apron away from me and told me not to come back.  It was so harsh, especially since it’s so cold outside.  so yeah, I’m staying with my girlfriend.  She works at PETA and someday she might get paid too.  Her parents send her money, but she’s not about that.  She’s not one of those trust fund bitches, cause she’s different.  She cuts herself, but it’s cool, because she does it because she loves me.

Later, I’m gonna go out with Brody and Spence and we’re going to go to whole foods.  I can’t belive that those bourgeois fools buy their groceries at the local bodega.  They are totally filling their bodies with toxins and destroying the environment.